I'm here. Im'm Queer. Get used to it!

Just turn 19 and I feel guilty and somehow like the unforgivable sinner of being gay. Cant close my eyes at night scared that I would never see the sun shine because the death will take my while I’m sleeping at night. Then I decide to make myself busy and joined an International Art Festival organizer.

Indeed it really kept me busy. Always home the earliest 1 AM or 3 AM the least. Gone to campus after lunch then finish at 17-ish then directly to their office uptown. Met a lots of artist. But this group I met after, really changed the way I think.

An aboriginal dance troupe, 2 girls, 2 boys, 2 teachers, and 1 principal. One of the boy and 2 of the teacher is gay. To them (and the girls as well) I was first out of closet.

One morning I came out from Gary’s room (one of the teacher), since night before we all having this farewell dinner and dancing in the club. Fellow volunteers don’t know, because I’m very extrovert, and think that Gary screwed me yet it’s a public secret that this troupe is a group of gay. Nothing happened between me and Gary, in fact another friend of mine still asleep in Gary’s room. 3 of us slept in one room. She knew this troupe a year before.

Well yeah…I done nothing to fixed the situation. I don’t care of what they assumed. I owned my own life. I’m here, I’m Queer, GET USED TO IT!.

2001. 1st Foolish game!

Ever since graduated from 9th Grade, I no longer want to be involved to any kind of affair that related to some sort of feeling into a guy. Correct! It’s the DENIAL PHASE. Its like to undo the rose petals: Love me…Love me not. Only this time using another phrase: Gay me…Gay me not!

Then, senior prom & graduation! Finally, college! Time that I’ve been longing for. I’m already 18, Legal age according to state law and bylaw. One day on that 1st semester in college, bumped on a guy in the toilet of a mall. His name is Michael an Australian. I’m half of his age I supposed. We peeking each other over the urinal and end up he gave me his phone number and address.

Then day after I decide to called him. Nervous. Shaking and Sweating. It was Friday, English final exam at 3 PM, so I have a lots of time before to meet this guy at his place. Then I did.

Find out that he’s “married”. And his partner work for Coca Cola Company. Neat mansion with a swimming pool. With his favorite scooter park in his garage. We enter the house and with no further due, he prepared the room, undress me and…BANG! It’s my first skin-to-skin experience.

Scared to death for sure but lucky because of that (I can say so now) he failed to enter me bareback! And he’s kind of disappointed yet try to be nice by asking me for another “fun”. Fall into his words that never come true. I was falling apart, broken hearted. Promised never fall in love to Australian.

It’s the foolish game. And I came up into a conclusion (and advice to you) someone you make love for the first time doesn’t always mean someone who really love you. Somewhat like you but not (yet) love you.

1997-1998. Let's begin...shall we?

Adoring yet affectionate. As I recall, it was some days in late 1997. I've been adore this boy from early 8th grade. He was in a basket ball team for the school. Rumour has it, that he got the bigest "wiener" of all boys at school. Well, anyway he's quite handsome though. Not to mentioned when he's sweating while play the ball.

And that time was the very first time i feel butterfly in my belly for a boy. And it was also the first I came out of closet, though discreetly. I shared every story about him to two of my girl-who-is-my-friend. I said I just adore him, feel happy to see his style. Unfortunately he's straight.

My affection to him last until I graduate from 9th Grade and we went to a different high school. Yet, I still keep on eye of him until now through friendster.com incase he converting into gay...